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What is a morning shot?
It's everything that doesn't fit in between the lines. The momentary spurts of energy that compell me to wake up at 3 in the morning to write down a few lines. Little moments that I can't let pass by.
They are just moments, not lasting long enough for a full poem or a full section of writing. Just a morning espresso shot of moment.
2/23/2006
A Little Sand Drifting Through My Front Door
About a month ago I started working out, everyday. I didn't really think about it much, you know, like WHY am I working out all the time. I just came home from work each day, and like a robot receded to the routine.
I told myself that if you work out you will have more energy. You will be more confident. You will perform better when hiking. The opposite sex will give you more attention. You will.
Each day, even when i'm tired or exhausted. At about the same time an alarm goes off and I tell myself that I could either stay at home or work out and feel some sense of satisfaction for the effort.
Sometimes I think that it's the only thing I have in my life that's understandable. Simple. Direct. Honest. I leave the gym and i've burned 1087 calories, more or less.
Two people have already asked me if I have lost weight, but it's no big deal with me. I don't LIVE for the attention losing weight brings. I thought working out was going to bring me something it isn't capable of providing.
I still sometimes take a walk down the city streets, aimless. No particular destination, not in a hurry to get there. Cities are perfect for this. I think on some level I get a reward out of feeling lonely.
Last night I walked by a bar and stopped by the entrance. I could hear the laughter and excited conversation on the other side of those doors. It made me want to go in. But I thought "Who would I talk to? What would I say?" So I kept on walking.
I used to have close relationships. WIth my first real girfriend it came so easy, being able to share my emotions and feeling like I was understood completely. I used to wonder if everybody had something like this.
Now I know not everybody does. When you are in the middle of something extraordinary there is no way to savor every drop. That's not how humans are made to built. It takes conscious effort to remind yourself just how good this moment feels.
When you've lost that moment it takes no conscious effort at all. You realize it just as soon as you open your eyes in the morning. You realize it when you seen people around you that seem so happy. You feel it when certain songs hit your consciousness.
My emotions are hanging on such a thin thread that I could have swore my entire existence at one moment in time hung on the lyrics to the song Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight:
But sometimes we forget
what we got
who we are
who we are not.
There are some battles that 30 minutes on a treadmill can help you win. Then there are other battles that take much longer to fight.
One thing i've learned about climbing is that we, as humans, have a great capacity to survive. You may think to yourself, "we don't want to die? Breaking news hardly."
It goes beyond that because we all have our limits, but our true physical limitation far exceeds those that we put on ourselves.
How many times have I stood at the top of a mountain telling myself that it took everything I had to get there and that I have nothing left to give? But then I turn around and head back down the path again.
Our physical capacity is leagues greater than what our minds tells us it is. The odds are meaningless when you are in a situation where your life weighs in the balance.
So I sit down in an open seat facing her side. Of course I pretend like I am looking out the bus window or around at other passengers, but my gaze was always drawn back to her.
She sort of looked in my direction and I figured she just detected me looking at her. So I looked away. She turned periodically to look in my direction, this time without any prompting of my own.
A couple of times I turned in her direction to see if possibly I could get eye contact, but our eyes never quite met at the right time.
She still harbored those upturned lips and that slight smile. I envisioned myself sliding over to the seat next to her and sparking a conversation. Maybe i'd ask her what was so funny, or introduce myself.
She began rustling her purse and moved her body forward. A clear sign that her stop was coming soon. The bus driver stopped and the doors opened. She got out and for a second I thought of getting off at this stop, even though my apt was about 3 miles down the road.
I stayed on the bus, but even now I wonder what was making her smile.
She had no mouth
no ears
no nose
only eyes
hovering
above me
crashing into moonlight
running fast
always running
far.
____________________
I want to stop
have a cup of coffee
smell her
like some distant fire
to find a moment
when she is not busy
when fear has overlooked
just one moment
They are beautiful
desire dripping from the word
the word
do you know what that is?
would you know
how beautiful they are
they will tell you
my hair will fall off
you will laugh
like you are choking on ash.
we were headed
toward the sun
and toward your ego
looking for the words
the word
the word is darkened
a shade off white
was it love?
or was it silence
complete?
She sent me a message
it was cystalline
full of angst
full of what I felt
She sent a message
words tracking
across bare skin
shedding
It was a response
I was not lost
I was only flowing to be found
like finger rivulets
filled with yellow lava
1. Run - Snow Patrol
2. Collide - Howie Day
3. Lately - David Gray
4. In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
5. Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire
Last modified: 2/23/2006 10:23 AM